10.14.25

[toothpastepancake]

Hello, Dreamwidth!

I want to be more active here. I am constantly saying this, I know. I keep opening new post, typing things up, deleting them... Should it be a personal account? Should it be fandom? Who will I disappoint if I don't keep an equal balance of both? (The answer, I know, is that it doesn't matter.)

Does it matter if my journal has eyes on it at all? It does a little bit. I come on Dreamwidth for community, though it is increasingly starting to feel like I don't really fit in here as an autistic person (and a younger person). I like sharing my thoughts, yes, but I like feedback and interaction and back-n-forth too. I like talking to others. I like people. I feel like me having a higher support needs version of autism makes me some sort of an Other, because I can't talk right or word things well or comprehend things properly or understand jokes/social cues, and this has gotten me into a lot of difficulties on here. I don't know. It doesn't bother me too much, it just feels weird. I wish I could go through the experience of struggling with these things without people assuming negative things about me in the process. Ideally I wish I didn't struggle with them at all, but well, it's the hand I've been dealt.

I also don't post on here a lot because... I just don't have a lot going on in my life. I'm housebound; I can't leave the house unless it's for a doctor's appointment. I don't do work or school, because I can't. It's just. There's really not much in my life to post about. I spend most of my time doing computer stuff, creating (usually fandom-related, because original work stuff has been unbearably hard for me lately), sleeping, and being in various levels of pain, but most of the time I am just sick. I don't have a lot of longform post-worthy thoughts or events.

I don't think it's all bad though. I do think this nothingness is temporary. I finally feel like I have a future. It's just going to take a lot of fighting for. I want to live a full, happy life with the people I love, and I find myself dreaming about that life every day now. I'll get there, or at least I'm going to fight like hell to get there.

I just can't wait for the day I stop floating through life and actually start living it.

I think I'm going to post more frequently, if I can think of what to say. Maybe separate fandom and personal stuff via cuts, like I've done on this post here.

It's 6am as I write this and I am sleep-deprived, so I'm just writing down thoughts as they occur to me.

I've been doing a lot of fandom events lately... They're really one of the only "scheduled"/concrete deadline things I have in my life right now. I am running Rarest of Rarepairs again over at toothpastejuice and having fun with that, as well as elasticella 's haunting the narrative event. I hope to start on my fffx assignment soon. It's truly the perfect assignment for my interests, and I'm so so hyped to start it! I just have to.... outline, and I suck at outlines. 

I've been going through my old writing from when I was a kid - I started writing fanfiction when I was 11 - and comparing it to today's. I'm glad I never stopped writing and I'm glad I started drawing again and I'm glad I started doing computer stuff and I'm glad. I'm just glad I have the ability to create things and to be a part of fandom even if I feel incredibly out of place in most areas of fandom these days.

My ficinabox plans were deeply ambitious, BUT I have made a lot of progress with different mediums I wanted to try out! I actually didn't think I'd get this far. I finished a [medium a], two [medium b]s I'm extremely proud of, and even a [medium c] which was insanely fun to make. I want to try doing some [redacted medium]s too if I can find some prompts that work with it.

I've also been really into making icons lately, like the one I'm using in this post. It's so fun I am addicted. It is so calming to me - if you want any icons feel free to hit up my fic or treat post. 
 

I think that's all I've got for today. I have three doctors' appointments later on in the day. Great!

Comments

[mossy_bench]

I've only recently started posting on Dreamwidth again, and definitely resonate with wanting to use it but also struggling a bit to get used to it. In some ways I feel like a Fandom Old, at least in spirit, but I wasn't around for the Livejournal days and it's been a process to figure out how best to interact with people here.

I hope you don't feel discouraged and continue to post, as long as you wish to! Your icons look lovely, also.

[tombstuck]

if it helps, as a new subscriber i am just as interested in the personal bits as i am your fandom things! especially considering i deal with some of the same stressors that you do. i think the separating between cuts is a wonderful idea too! that's a lot of fandom events you've got going on! so kudos to that! i started doing kinktober earlier this month but i completely jumped the fence and i'm doing my own thing now.