Agnes

Something no one speaks about when grieving is that... you still kind of feel the same things. Along with your grief. 

My father died february 13th. Funeral was the 15th, so he's freshly buried. I still scroll tiktok mindlessly, and then I still get excited and all giddy seeing edits and videos of my favorite actors, thought which is quickly interrupted by the fact that my father is dead. Then I go on ao3, I read the usual smut -- I still get very happy seeing two of my favorite characters mess around, and then, the happiness is interrupted by reminding myself my father is dead, what the fuck am I even doing just reading all this suckening and fuckening? I listen to music and dance, but then I remember: why am I dancing? I'm like a fucking orphan right now. I can't really play minecraft or the sims as per usual as the image of my dead dad in the hospital bed comes to mind again and again and again. By this point, you realize that the message is -- grief will ride alongside you even in the most awkward feelings, such as happiness, being in love, being horny, being excited... it's gonna be there breathing down your neck. And yes, despite all of this, you can still feel horny. Therapists say it's normal, to get a little lovebug or horny bug after someone you loved dies, as the body is looking for a way to release all the awful stress and masturbation and sex seem to be one way to get rid of it. Do get better coping habits than yanking your pizzle, though. Please.

Another funny thing I guess is that you will feel as if someone removed a limb off of you. Yup. I hadn't seen my dad in like a year due to our usual disputes, but even after his death, I feel empty, kind of like an orphan. There's gonna be something missing with you constantly, always, every single day until the grief is over (even though some say it never really ends.)

I feel like I lost my one last connection to the place I grew up in. This shitty little town in chile now swarmed by tourists -- I hated the place in some ways, loved it in others. And now I don't have it with me anymore, it's like it left. Forever.