[through clenched teeth] but i stay silly
Mar. 22nd, 2026 04:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
toothpastepancakeSigh. I cannot catch a break!
The fun of running Sunset is slowly being siphoned out of me, and it's very sad because it was very much one of my few reasons for sticking around a few days ago. I don't want to go into it, and I'll get over this eventually, but the shit I've faced while running it just for trying to do a Fun Hobby Community Project has been very overwhelming lately. It doesn't help that I have spring pattern seasonal depression And that this time of year is a trauma anniversary so I'm pretty much constantly on edge already.
I'm really feeling the loneliness lately, y'all. I don't know. I left exchanges and decided to stop doing them because I just don't fit in or mesh there, I guess. And I used to be so excited about exchanges, but I can't seem to make it work. I find that in general, my autism and intellectual functioning issues get in the way of me living a fulfilling life in almost every way. I love being around people and doing things for others to make them happy... that is all I have ever wanted to do. I don't know how to tell people "please be patient with me I'm intellectually disabled" without sounding like... oh poor me pity me or making people see me as lesser. But the truth is I just do not function the same way as other people in these spaces do - even other neurodivergent people - because of that disability and it is turning out to be an insurmountable barrier.
I don't like to talk about being intellectually disabled. It's not something I try to think about and having such a low IQ is notsomething I really was aware of until rediscovering old paperwork a bit ago. I have a lot of internalized ableism around it and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it because I bring it up in therapy and am told to not put myself down even though it's... just a fact? So it's just sort of a specter that hangs over me at all times, constantly mocking me in ways only I can see and hear. It's like plastic wrap around my head, suffocating me slowly and keeping me isolated from the rest of the world because all I can do is focus on the simple mechanics of maintaining breath. I don't know where I'm going with this metaphor. The point: it sucks, and it hurts, and I feel like an alien plucked out of its home universe and forced into a different, cruel world! I feel like the thing that doesn't get bought at the yard sale so you leave it out on the curb for free and then it doesn't even get picked up by trash collection. I feel like a seedless peach pit, just hard and useless. You know? I would never judge anyone else for this but I have a lot of internalized ableism I'm going to have to work through all by myself and it's hard.
Anyway, I'm never going to stop searching for that one place I fit in but man. It's going to be a long journey I think.
I'm just sort of hanging in there. The month is almost over and I haven't even reached my writing goal for it. I'm going to try and get some writing done soon. I did write one fill for Rare Kink Buffet and I wrote 300 or so words on my original novella and I am now 3/10 on 10trueloves! So that's pretty fun. I'm trying to focus on getting through my many hoarded prompt lists/cards/tables/challenges. In 2025 I wrote for others and in 2026 I think I write for me.
I hope you are all well.
The fun of running Sunset is slowly being siphoned out of me, and it's very sad because it was very much one of my few reasons for sticking around a few days ago. I don't want to go into it, and I'll get over this eventually, but the shit I've faced while running it just for trying to do a Fun Hobby Community Project has been very overwhelming lately. It doesn't help that I have spring pattern seasonal depression And that this time of year is a trauma anniversary so I'm pretty much constantly on edge already.
I'm really feeling the loneliness lately, y'all. I don't know. I left exchanges and decided to stop doing them because I just don't fit in or mesh there, I guess. And I used to be so excited about exchanges, but I can't seem to make it work. I find that in general, my autism and intellectual functioning issues get in the way of me living a fulfilling life in almost every way. I love being around people and doing things for others to make them happy... that is all I have ever wanted to do. I don't know how to tell people "please be patient with me I'm intellectually disabled" without sounding like... oh poor me pity me or making people see me as lesser. But the truth is I just do not function the same way as other people in these spaces do - even other neurodivergent people - because of that disability and it is turning out to be an insurmountable barrier.
I don't like to talk about being intellectually disabled. It's not something I try to think about and having such a low IQ is notsomething I really was aware of until rediscovering old paperwork a bit ago. I have a lot of internalized ableism around it and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it because I bring it up in therapy and am told to not put myself down even though it's... just a fact? So it's just sort of a specter that hangs over me at all times, constantly mocking me in ways only I can see and hear. It's like plastic wrap around my head, suffocating me slowly and keeping me isolated from the rest of the world because all I can do is focus on the simple mechanics of maintaining breath. I don't know where I'm going with this metaphor. The point: it sucks, and it hurts, and I feel like an alien plucked out of its home universe and forced into a different, cruel world! I feel like the thing that doesn't get bought at the yard sale so you leave it out on the curb for free and then it doesn't even get picked up by trash collection. I feel like a seedless peach pit, just hard and useless. You know? I would never judge anyone else for this but I have a lot of internalized ableism I'm going to have to work through all by myself and it's hard.
Anyway, I'm never going to stop searching for that one place I fit in but man. It's going to be a long journey I think.
I'm just sort of hanging in there. The month is almost over and I haven't even reached my writing goal for it. I'm going to try and get some writing done soon. I did write one fill for Rare Kink Buffet and I wrote 300 or so words on my original novella and I am now 3/10 on 10trueloves! So that's pretty fun. I'm trying to focus on getting through my many hoarded prompt lists/cards/tables/challenges. In 2025 I wrote for others and in 2026 I think I write for me.
I hope you are all well.
