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toothpastepancakeHey DW.
Things have been hard for me lately. I've been really obsessed with Starfleet Academy since I posted my review of it... and this is my first active, popular fandom in... oh... maybe a decade? And, of course, I'm someone who typically gravitates towards problematic/taboo ships, and I've gotten a lot of hate for being into Nahla/Caleb. (For a few days I actually thought it would be popular. Silly me!) I know, I know, antis are stupid and just block them, but I'm incredibly sensitive and I also already have lost quite a few friends due to a social media misunderstanding, plus I had to cut off my ex best friend for personal reasons, so I'm just... feeling very much like there's no place in the world I fit in. I'm starting to go in to situations assuming I will never be accepted and that the rug can and will be pulled out from underneath me at any moment. I find myself wondering why I didn't come to that conclusion earlier.
Also, I don't want to go into it, but the Current Events with certain documents? (under cut for tw; not graphic but the very topic is enough to trigger me, and this is very negative)
Yeah, I'm a survivor of that specific thing as well (to a lesser extent of what had occurred in said documents, but enough for this whole thing to be just horrendously triggering), and I have been feeling utterly dead inside because of it. It's inescapable. I blacklist things I mute things I unfollow and it still keeps showing up. It's important for those who can talk about it to spread word EVERYWHERE, but for me as a survivor, I see it everywhere and I cannot handle it and I feel just absolutely hollowed out. I feel like a corpse. I feel like a sad dead thing. I feel like I don't have a body at all, like there is no hope. I have never been this hopeless before. I havent touched my journal - this one or my physical diary - because I feel like if I do sit down to write about this then I'll just have a breakdown and never stop breaking down.
Anyway, SFA has been a really big coping mechanism for me lately in regards to these events--Nahla/Caleb specifically is helping me cope with some shit, which I don't wanna go into for severely personal reasons, so to be hated on for how I enjoy this show when I am using it in this manner? It really hurts. I've been implied to be an ICE supporter, a child abuse supporter... I just can't handle it.
I find it difficult to be online, but my entire life is online. I have no friends IRL and no way to leave my house or usually bed because of my disability. I can only socialize through the internet---no other ways of socialization are accessible to me. So to have these agonies (not just the anti stuff, but the News In General) be everywhere, and the only feasible solution to having to see it be unplugging entirely... it's hard! And also I don't want to be the person who indulges in escapism at the detriment of staying informed and aware. But man. It's just. I don't know. Discord is doing a thing where it's making every single person do a face scan or ID upload and several of my friends are telling me goodbye because they don't want to do that (completely understandable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and that's. The main place I talk to my friends on. :(
I think I need to take a break from exchanges. I've had to default a lot recently. I really want to do Space Swap and HA but I think I need to focus on myself for a while. And it sucks because HA is my favorite exchange :/ We'll see if I can miraculously stop feeling awful by the time SpaSwap signups end.
Anyway, I care for you all deeply. Hope you're all well. <3
Things have been hard for me lately. I've been really obsessed with Starfleet Academy since I posted my review of it... and this is my first active, popular fandom in... oh... maybe a decade? And, of course, I'm someone who typically gravitates towards problematic/taboo ships, and I've gotten a lot of hate for being into Nahla/Caleb. (For a few days I actually thought it would be popular. Silly me!) I know, I know, antis are stupid and just block them, but I'm incredibly sensitive and I also already have lost quite a few friends due to a social media misunderstanding, plus I had to cut off my ex best friend for personal reasons, so I'm just... feeling very much like there's no place in the world I fit in. I'm starting to go in to situations assuming I will never be accepted and that the rug can and will be pulled out from underneath me at any moment. I find myself wondering why I didn't come to that conclusion earlier.
Also, I don't want to go into it, but the Current Events with certain documents? (under cut for tw; not graphic but the very topic is enough to trigger me, and this is very negative)
Yeah, I'm a survivor of that specific thing as well (to a lesser extent of what had occurred in said documents, but enough for this whole thing to be just horrendously triggering), and I have been feeling utterly dead inside because of it. It's inescapable. I blacklist things I mute things I unfollow and it still keeps showing up. It's important for those who can talk about it to spread word EVERYWHERE, but for me as a survivor, I see it everywhere and I cannot handle it and I feel just absolutely hollowed out. I feel like a corpse. I feel like a sad dead thing. I feel like I don't have a body at all, like there is no hope. I have never been this hopeless before. I havent touched my journal - this one or my physical diary - because I feel like if I do sit down to write about this then I'll just have a breakdown and never stop breaking down.
Anyway, SFA has been a really big coping mechanism for me lately in regards to these events--Nahla/Caleb specifically is helping me cope with some shit, which I don't wanna go into for severely personal reasons, so to be hated on for how I enjoy this show when I am using it in this manner? It really hurts. I've been implied to be an ICE supporter, a child abuse supporter... I just can't handle it.
I find it difficult to be online, but my entire life is online. I have no friends IRL and no way to leave my house or usually bed because of my disability. I can only socialize through the internet---no other ways of socialization are accessible to me. So to have these agonies (not just the anti stuff, but the News In General) be everywhere, and the only feasible solution to having to see it be unplugging entirely... it's hard! And also I don't want to be the person who indulges in escapism at the detriment of staying informed and aware. But man. It's just. I don't know. Discord is doing a thing where it's making every single person do a face scan or ID upload and several of my friends are telling me goodbye because they don't want to do that (completely understandable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and that's. The main place I talk to my friends on. :(
I think I need to take a break from exchanges. I've had to default a lot recently. I really want to do Space Swap and HA but I think I need to focus on myself for a while. And it sucks because HA is my favorite exchange :/ We'll see if I can miraculously stop feeling awful by the time SpaSwap signups end.
Anyway, I care for you all deeply. Hope you're all well. <3
no subject
Date: 2026-02-10 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-02-10 04:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-02-10 06:59 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. Maybe it is time to have a break and read some books? It doesn't do a lot for making friends, but at least it takes the pressure off for long enough for you to breathe.
Would some of your friends consider coming with you to somewhere else that was very like Discord? https://beebom.com/best-discord-alternatives/